k.

i pretty much have a lot of stories that someday need to be released, a lot from all of my life. for one, there was plenty of curious fondling, creating, seeking and hiding of one's own growth as a loner on the hillside of a mountain with its woods, and there was plenty of disturbance between what i found comfortable and what i found amusing during my adventurous days as a child. hmm, there is a lot to be told, and it amazes on what i haven't even bothered trying to show or relate with others who often wonder what it was like to live like the way i am trying to explain here. and i think most of what i have seriously lived and breathed would honestly beat the punch of those who thought they were the only one's who experienced such originality, or this may all possibly go over many heads only because how much i knew as a child, whether i was uneducated about other things that were being taught in school or not. and how i turned with an innovative side when i felt like pretending to not know what really was going on within my life, and my mom and her family's life, and those were the curious days. rural area yet very broad behaviour that brought such intricate existence.

not talking. i wrote in my journal, finally, and i really need to start doing that more often where i can train myself to get used to the slowness that my writing brings because my mind races into thoughts. hm... sort of the same reason as to how i need to learn how to construct my speech better, because that is how society looks for cleverness.
oh, and i have the biggest set of extremely uncomfortable butterflies inside. the exposure of this behaviour that i once revealed to someone as a story has made me feel uncomfortable in how to sit right now. will try to sleep, yeah yea..

no...

i have to say this real quick for now; john is a talking novel (digging deep into what seems so enthralling yet depressingly moving at the same time), and i never even realized how he was on other reasons, until tonight, tonight, during our first talk in a long time. during his vomitting realizations (as he tells) about what he is experiencing as new today, he told me many on what has happened with him lately. a somewhat suspenseful head-on collision, and i want to seriously get away with him. we deserve it..

anyway i turned 18 on tuesday. i am now 18 years of age. Yes. word to more thoughts and pre-plans everyone.

my head hurts right now...it has been an odd week for me.

some amazing and intimidating things just happened to me this afternoon.

it amazes me how much i really miss out while being locked up in school like the way i am and the way i do it.

i left after 3 period and knowingly i shouldnt have!! of course... but i went to go look at some plants at black lion. so beautiful. so calm, so safe... and yet i felt so close to death and distracted as i walked along the sidewalk from all the moving vehicles. anyway, i had never been inside of black lion before til today.
it's real nice, reallll nice... so many colourful antiques and nik naks.. all types of furniture and items for all people. i jotted some candle fragances as well as the botantical names for the plants that i admired. i was going to buy this big giant fairy coloring book but decided not too after realizing that i wanted to save the money for what i really wanted, which was go to the dollar store today project material and also get some polaroid film..hm. and how did i get this money in the first place? well, my dad originally gave me the little money that he makes to save for my probation officer, time goes on and fade approaches... i spend some and buy a roll and i ended up selling that and got it for 15 and here i am thinking unrealistically about my future.
and i always dread having to cross this road...it is so frightening

always always a struggle, but i just came in contact with a very old friend from myers park, i heard someone yell my name behind me twice and realized it was jeffery outside of the car and he had already been running to yank me up in excitment and crazy enough he now lives like beside me in the building. all the coincidental happenings within my life seem to either drain me or leave me confused to the point where i forget all in what i wanted to accomplish.

i went through so many levels of moods after lunch. i woke up late this morning, and i was not in the mood today but during lunch my attitude changed until everyone had sunk into their foods and talk began to fade with me and her interest... during 3rd period i felt like TOTAL shit..i couldnt even move any muscles. hmm and it all came from lunch, like normally... my brain needs to be situated. anyway, mrs williams read aloud our exams where we had to write something encouraging for one another in class, and two people wrote about me, and i took their opinons constructively and offensively at the same time because of how much encouragment it actually lacked. i was offended by how two people managed to say the SAMEthing as far as me not needing to give up, but the other person worded it as "always WANTING TO give up and bla bla..." and i do not sit in that class what-so-ever and complain with that manner at all. hm, i was pretty upset the whole period. and the only person who knows about me always "wanting to give up" is christine who happens to struggle with me in Algebra! YEA which is last period. the other person making that same comment?.. i havent a clue...hopefully it's relative to algebra class, because no one else knows me enough to see that sense of frustration and agony that i give during last period. but all i know is that... im not necessairly closed minded to the point where im giving up like a typical little sad girl whose only experienced one year of 10th grade. NO no no people, no no, i am completely fed up, that is all. if you had been through what ive been living for a few years now, and trust me this is beyond their knowledge, then they would probably consider the bottom lip that i give during class because of how distraught and molded i feel. but i have my good days of outspoken intellect. anyway, yesterday OH yesterday, i was breaking this mold! it was differen't .. i took on challenges and ideas and tried responding the way i felt towards those who make me feel, and it came out good. ... today, i was mum about things. i didnt care to rhyme a beat for this african literature that mrs williams wants us to create by tomorrow with a lot of enthusiasm, no no i wanted to walk away and go and possibly buy a pot of soprano white's or pretend that im eating a warm sugar cookie, when really it was only a fragranced candled and i did by the way whiff up that warm sugar cookie...and then went home

well my evening turned out better than it being shitty yesterday. it all ended well as i pondered away about some thing.

and i have a crush on a karate teacher who gave nothing more but generous smiles and hello's throughout the two months of my community service and finally last night, we dug into an extensive conversation, such as where i had been for the last couple of weeks and why i am in here doing this, and all this time i never bothered to strive for what ive been wanting to ask him out of his teaching as a self defense instructor! and last night was my last night of a wednesday where he has his class, so... i have to see him again.

anyway im very butt naked right now and can hardly think straight, so i go

my notebook is full of... (papers of unfinished work; baffled baffled baffled) and i can only stress and sweat so much force into what makes me feel inferior about it 'this' anyway. it's ashame, where i've lived three years of this already. and now, i'd rather write in my agenda all day and complicate myself with analyzations, than to endure anymore of this agonizing pain of trickery and reversed calculations, so i shut out and fall even more from busting with a headache to come to this pace. and im trying to understand what has been inconsiderbaly given to me as math work. this isn't right...but i do need to stop writing this (im copying from agenda) - and actually create some kind of leeway here, where i can pass 'this shit' that i often spend in differen't moods, rather than bypassing such given rules and structure for each new unit ...i do need a differen't teacher and this is the most uncomfortable position i've ever been in..., fourth period it always is.

haha, i was questioned this afternoon on a stolen cell phone with many kids today, had no clue what to say, not my prior problem because i didnt steal this cell phone... but always some form of struggling incident nearby in my world it seems.
firedrill taking up more time of the hour; relieved in a small way. so whenever i step away from the premises of all these cubicle rooms, i can only think about how the outside of where i am now could possibly be the time to run and run as far as you can. drifting, most defintely, with the music notes. you've got even more space now.

and the girl wondered why i voluntarily gave away all of the candy.. already head down and heads up, i was now waiting for my brown bag of compliment when really it was nothing more but gut sinking and high blood pressure for me. what's to come out of karmatic situations? i think when feeling this most guilty about something because you're totally aware of how bad you feel towards something you could've at least put effort into is when such karmatic situations come about. 'you' are the creator, always, for this comeback. the source of all energies that withold your awareness of disloyal behaviour come back in this manner because of how your 'caused flow' took stand.

and what is the difference between that in a sentence and that out of a sentence?

losin balance, losin balance..

so yes I had a shitty day

today was better,

this is amazing...

it's not the normal routine, at all! what the hell? i've been honest in my responses, except for one indirect assumption that ive been complimented for, but i'm not holding back on much and i feel enthusisastic about it. i want to go out while i have the hours to use...sorry, i am just not used to this, or i haven't been this type of person in a long time, and i'm feeling some kind of movement here, except if i only had the entire movement implanted in my system! i just like the idea of being home alone, without any supervision, for hours on end, it gives me some kind of ideal freedom in which i soon cannot wait to fulfill as someone who can go out and come in whenever or leave the refrigerator door open while in underwear sucking for cold air on a hot, sultry day.. or being able to sit in your own house and smoke herb without any worries because you are in control of your own destination. but i have and often do, do these things anyhow but only for a short amount of period, like, hey i can't become attatched to that tiled floor forever now...soon enough ill have to get up and show a little consideration.

taking yesterday off really did rejuvenate me here and subsided all the nasty and depressing problems in which ive been encountering for a year now... this weekend i really thought life as of now was over with, well for me, because of multiple familar reasons that i have floating about with my dad and the amount of severe judgement that has been going on with others, including myself. but whether ive barely made any accomplishment towards any other person, whomever it is who has to pass me for the next level of living or doing, i still at least feel warmer inside.... i spoke out more and it was all positively expressed, as to how i felt ... probably because i was being complimented for some works that i honestly didn't create .which then makes me feel guilty inside,.. but for some reason, karmatic situations are everywhere, and i can probably see myself dubbing and suppressing it all over again as a human being, like normally, in the next few days or so... because "the trouble in dealing with a person in an effect condition is that they are likely to relapse after making progress"

due tooooooo how molded situations and behaviours (which can very well be the same concrete element here because it's a matter of how the time of the day for that person is, meaning how much they've enountered with that may be a repeat of what they are facing 'now', and the amount of pain or endurance that they've ingested and experienced as opose to how the other person is) can impact other's circumstances and moods because of how that moment of condition is for them, and really we must recognize one's current situation, or the way something is naturally for someone, before expecting your way of an imagined result as the result for what you're expecting out of that person, before interacting or even when in the process of interacting, with another individual that is. During their moment of arrangement or environment that they are placed in, which could totally be a differen't arrangement or environment for you when in the same room as them, you must learn to regulate and balance the person's interpretation in comparison to your's in order to affect the person compromisingly. By recognizing what you know and how you can make your knowledge of belief either persuasive enough or just simply, transitional enough where that person doesn't find fault in themselves or even become offended by your interpretation, then that is when you find a good day like the way it has been for me.


i wont over-commit anymore than i already have with my own ideals today, because what more bringing down can one feel inside when in situations that are only molded- situations of temporary enlightenment? going to try to keep it balanced and regulated, yes not too limited and not too long.

but today was good.

except, i just stepped outside to feel more heat, because i became clammy from the air condition, and i found a drowned bumble bee inside of the milk bowl that i had poured for the kitty. i scooped it out and blew air on it, sad little bumble bee, he has passed. they're all surrounding.

oh give me a gun,
why is this happening between my dad and i?

everyone i know will never fully amount to what pain this is,
better yet give him the gun, because he's the one whose been setenced to repeated hell, and ive just begun three years of repeat

and everyone else, you really really dissipoint me as i give the impression that im some mad man living cliche

and that was the essence of figuring it out.


i previously planned to take it back a step, and even type "taking it back", for a general reminder for general moments of my breathing life on occasion, but only seconds later did i start contemplating my own writing after losing the 5 minutes of confidence that was rolling within my mind for an hour. i had accidently clicked back, but luckily i had willingly wrote the 5 minutes of confidence that only seemed to have turned into goo-lash after losing blissful grip and felt no importance of it anymore afterwards, or so i thought that is how the outside of me would think but this is why this entry looks as cliche as can get. i swear, the text that was displayed before it had been deleted could have possibly been an even better work of my own definition for my own peculiar thoughts that only unravel the unsureness that i hold within for words, and that is what i do not mind.

im not getting fucking anywhere

and no one is worthy enough to understand this

and the nature and manipulation of it], meaning, others are interpreting it as toxic when stating/exposing one who may be 'functioned' as this, but it's the unintentional non-grasping fool[s] [pseudo-intellect] who changes the person's constructed imagination into thinking, "no, they're just like or even saying that because they were diagnosed with schizophrenia, or manic depressed or cased with whatever." where's your mind for when nothing as been said? the others are also manipulating, by fearing or belittilng what they, themselves, are trying to figure out in their own order as well as the other. it all works for each person, one's own order whether you are bias to it or not bc of what capacity range and cells of the person's brain is at. look at it that way, for a magnificent encounter of this figuring-out, to your capacity, is what theyre trying to acomplish from within; our brain, which mind works off of it, is an on-going pattern, which then creates more. try understanding how this persons mind has evolved to where it's at now. What personally sets their mind from their developed genes into comfort and fear away from the supposed comfort and fear in humans? no matter how far in mind capture they are from you, fearing and stating as a disorder isn't well-put

i feel like my teeth are going to fall out bc of my bleeding gum

last night, i brought memories bc im trying to figure out why and how i respond the way i do now..and thinking about how i really am in thoughts, for many years, amazes me.. i grew up a certain way, like others, and that developed pattern i inherited from my mom as well as this overall environment that i had lived in, still lingers with me subconcicously, as so does my living from a few yrs ago affected my other beings, which is my only being as of now.

i repeated in soft verbs in bed while scrunched, and burying my head in a mixed pile of smelly clothes with one warm blanket wrapped around the back of my head, and bulky objects that i like to casually throw on my bed throughout the day, with my whole torso positioned in the opposite direction of mans way of positioning, i had told myself constantly til i got tired of telling myself, and i recited...

barbie commercial <>

constructed imagination in how one interprets somethng..
ok, ive got it- i was reciting on how i really am and want to be undertood as, for it is my complete irony that may not make 'sense' once i thought of all the possible ways, but the way i may not make sense will truly make sense to me, which would then impress those of which i never thought would come around.."that is what i want" i had said. how selfishly vain, but many a want.

just when i thought today was going to be an ending where i'd come home and mope twice as much as my mind is leaning toward right this instant.

you'd be suprised by how you re-think your self just the way you change your routine throughout the day.

my emotions are ever-changing, on-going...- never quite a precise answer, forever. only in moments of reassurance.

so i made it clear to people that on todays agenda, i will not be looking forward for anything school-related because of how incredibly lazy and tired i felt, right? i wasn't prepared because of how i handled it last night.. i decide to ignore what i had to prepare for, thinking i'd work around it.

i fell asleep during spanish and didn't wake til the second calling of my name. wow, i dreamt of something so clear! was it from that Kava pill? i wish i could explain. and i did it again during my exam in english. i didn't fall like i thought i'd fall from. i contemplated skipping but didn't bother. i went to last period and felt like any other day in there.

i also started understanding what ive always been feeling toward my weakness. i got real put out and frustrated and gave up with algebra for the day. knocking my confidence down because of all the facts, and with every other math skilled individual in there, i just stared and waited. math=functioning? slowly. slowly it is, but i'm not even opening my homework or books for practice.

but yes, i started understanding the agony from within. never did i even remotely know the feeling of agony as much as i know of its feeling now when sitting in class breathing in this repeition. feeling its hardening on my chest. i can defintely feel it. and it occurs a lot during last period. i'm pretty sure if i had been taught this during my freshman year, fresh out of middle school and hadn't been corrupted by the dragging of highschool, then im pretty sure id be ahead of things like the way the freshman are that i see everyday.

agony.

i now know. but it didn't last as long as i'd thought it would. after the bell, i made my way around and saw mr. sutton walk pass me looking for someone. i saw daniel. we don't even talk really, but he really helped me out by bringing a smile to my face. said hey... came back around and sutton saw me when i hadn't and we said hey and wants me to come talk to him about CP. hmm... sooooo my agonizing pain wasn't as lasting. i got to walk home with a smile, i felt pretty as opose to how i felt earlier.

i felt better; less tense, not as exasperated from all the detail during my school hours.
i'm going to plan on trying to focus.

but i swear it's hard as hell trying to these days...
and it's hard as hell trying to get up on your own these days.

ANYWAY, i don't know what to do before i go to com. service...i think i'll lounge around like i always do.

today.
Quickie:
Someone wants a romance with you -- but what do you want? Be honest.

Overview:
You're like a magnet. However, one of the drawbacks about being a magnet is you can't always predict who's going to be pulled into your charge. Use your finesse to duck someone who's less than pleasant.

thursday.
Quickie:
Family obligations are the center of your world right now -- let friends know.

Overview:
Sometimes you feel so strongly for a cause that it can be overwhelming. This strength of emotion is actually your ally once you learn to harness it correctly. Take some time every day for meditation and deep breathing.

comes around.

(defintely a weird karma slap with the whole hat thing; ha)


is spring finally here?


feels so good outside. the sun hit my black pants more than my arms though.
concrete still, cold for the back.

when i trailed on the sidewalk, i saw this big girl with blonde hair sitting outside of her porch, crying, r&b playing through her opened windows.
i turned the opposite way and saw the two chubby twins chasing this other boy around. cute.

inverted brain. it doesn't really matter how good of a day i had, it always seems like every time i go to 4th period i start to feel hazy, and ill. i started getting frustrated to even work w. algebra. but toward the middle of the hour, i got a hang of myself. i picture whisking off for a break before having to sit for another 90 minutes. my brain just flips its whole constructed ways and loses function when it comes to algebraic expressions and equations. the whole linking and connecting, swip swapping numbers and what not is something im training myself to understand. OR i could just take william's advice, "don't get it, just do it"

i took a Kava Kava pill today. you're actually supposed to take three a day after each meal. hmm, only one dear. i did feel better throughout 1st period though. i started feeling chirppy when having to respond. it's supposed to be a relaxant; to alleviate the symptons of your anxiety, stress and enhance mental activity i hear. and for the most part, it did at certain points. but during the effect, i also felt somewhat figity, maybe feeling figity had to do with other things regarding to my anxiety, like having to take a shit or not having enough food in your system while coming down from it? familar tingling. maybe it was because i was about to feel its effect, which is the tingling that i often feel inside. i ended up coming down from (actually i cant really identify the feeling yet since it was my 1st time of taking a kava) it at last period and became tiresome, though. As an alternative, i'd like to try Kava juice or kava extract. Happyhappy for natural remedy.

the social worker/dss lady came to talk with me today. interesting the way it went.
i think i suprised her with how i repsonded? or maybe she thought i was lying? im not pulling any lies, i just may look supscious when trying to actually get deep down, because quite honestly i didnt take her questions serious.

mr. sutton is by far the best counselor around here. it's him being a significant person, and what he presents himself to be shows me something. he really helped me out a lot with my school schedule. he's so compelling with his view, i mean not that i haven't heard nor said the words myself but he reassured me here. he's a very attractive person. say suave? last night as i dozed off on the couch i started fantasizing over the person he is, only because i felt that i was being cared for more than any other person has cared for me. the way he advised me on some things finally got my attention for the next step... i think.

when i came into his office yesterday, this song eventually came on..my eye started twitching and teary-like at one point coz i was staring intently on what i was trying to understand when he was telling about important things, and when i bolted my eyes out, sitting in one sticky position, i started losing contact since i had started focusing on my body odor, and knowingly i looked distracted haha. all of the things in my life are all related, regardless of what one may say.

com. service: like, 36 hrs left.

mind...agenda...spirals in my head everywhere.

so many deadlines are coming up.

my mind.
i think i've lost my vocabulary. my expressions. and the way i want to move forward. i read upon others and see where i can relate, but it is all buried into some form of phase here. i hope this is just a month's worth of dumb phase, literally.

i need to refine myself.

also, my computer hasn't been working so well. it has been keeping me from comfortably expressing myself-

and last night was unreal.
crazy korean hotel party...and the humour and disruption that we all can bring out of blissful scoping, chugged inside a squared-bedroom full of hand holding beers and bottles.

lately ive been having reoccuring problems that went about last year when i was near people that are now coming back to my mind, or my area of living.

and i've also fallen from how i was maybe a week ago, and The Me before The Me Now was so nice even if it only lasted for about a month.

i dont even trust my own mind on what to say. i don't want to be anymore misinterpreted than i already have.
i was going through all of these mood swings or rather, losing track on how to maintain such all emotions because of my current postion, and i was plastering my face into the computer screen for hours, going through all of these contemplations and insecurities about who i am and how i want to be heard because ive discombublated myself in how to do so like before. ive got it but my brain has short circuited for sometime now and i havent been caring to be in that area of thinking specifically on what im trying to intelligently say, whether the people whom i desire miss out on who i am because of what they see now or not.
i was even like that earlier at school yesterday.
i sat in the library doing so, and i sat on the comode doing so. last period, was the class that i really shoudn't have skipped but my mind needed a rest. i went back into a slope of the corner and listened to a very emotional mix. reminded me of blair and how i presented my brain when we used to be like the way we were last year. i felt solitude all around at one point though, i miss it. i came back out of it when school had ended and i saw kimi dockery. we talked about getting her tattoo that day, one of string cheese incident's logo or something. she gave me a ride home. sweet weather yesterday.
but the day before that was incredible. like, it ended well!

anyway, after being moody and everything, i made my way out with my dad and brother to see the movie bridge to terabithia. loved it and loved it, it brought back memories on how innovative i once was in the woods, alone, or with christopher, or with the dogs streaming through hopping sticks and moss feeding gods; getting away from your defaulted home or buzz killing lectures that only exposed the lack of their compassion was all the fun. it all faded. everything does. i ended up getting a few nik naks at walmart. so many things are on sale. i never thought id find attraction to wal mart since everytime i go in there, i dread its appearence and because i know how long my dad likes to take when im not in the least bit of interest to shop, because it normally is when elijah is around, and i know how we all get when together; too much stirred tension. i really wish he wouldn't act up when i know he can do better bc the feedback comes to me, but believe it or not, eli is like no ordinary boy. it amazes me when i get to see him interact with the boys outside. he's very aware and smart for his age. while the boy spat on this little boy, i brought it to eli's attention and he politely asks the boy who spat on the little boy if he had done something mean to him since he ran off. very wise way of questioning. anyway, eli is no ordinary kid. i'm glad to have him as a brother. anyway, i ended up getting a set of uncoloured murals of the little mermaid. i wonder if i'll ever colour in them soon. i probably won't.

cranium for kids is way better than the adult game. i love how toys r us has the set where you can doodle and get creative in colours. that really brings out the best expression than the hardback and straining statements that the Adult gives. i really hope i can get something from there soon. something like, candyland or one of those dr. seuss games!!!!!

i felt even more guilty and worried when elijah excitedly asked for me to go get my camera and take a picture of him while he held my accoustic guitar. my dad stood aside, smiling in a daze, waiting for me to grab the camera. i worried and paused a few times and exclaimed how ill get it later and then i made a sign showing him i needed to get my batteries charged. Well anyway, i really hope he doesn't find out any time soon. i've tried getting my word around to the people who associate with the people who took my camera! i really wish they would understand how hard it is for people like my dad and i to handle such things like this. if only money grew on trees for us right.

i really don't want to call my mom nor grandparents and keep track. i perfer the distance when i know calling them is going to upset me or have me dwelling even more about life. i wouldn't be suprised if grandma weaver has passed away. id rather not know for awhile by not hearing from them.
i keep that adorable card that she sent me for xmas though. it is so adorable...a little kitty cat sitting and cutesy little smile. grandma and her antiques. and newspapers, stacked to the ceiling.

i had a really weird dream with blair in it last night. so many people are impregnated this year, and knowing she is back in charlotte now and knowing she has probably changed some, mature wise, something differen't may appear. she was prego in my dream and my neighbors from behind turned into a gathering of blair's family, and she sat beside me with her monroe peirced and sighed in silence. and all i felt was warm reds and hazy greys surrounding the dream. and food was involved. a lot. it was a weird dream.. i had an even weirder dream before blair.

today didn't go as smooth.
also, my algebra teacher pisses me off a lot of the time. it's like she cries for attention whenever she's sucked into a stupid ass conversation with an obnoxious student that complains and instigates with all of the other students. whenever she makes eye contact, she moves her eyebrows and eyes a certain way; always appearing like she's curious about something and deep down she probably thinks she looks cute when she puts on that expression. oh, her over exposed tan and doped up on anorexia. It's fucking annoying especially when i know she'd rather pose around like this than to help us out on our math problems. she gives a problem and 90% of the time she goes over it ONCE and assumes you know it and then makes her way out by not explaining herself anymore; after 5 minutes, we're already sidetracked on other things because of what goes on in class, and she doesn't even go over the work and actually explain WHY we got the answer in the first place. lousy and it's hard trying to get her attention because ive already digged a deep hole from feeling lost for the past two weeks in algebra anyway. so, a lot of the time, i'm frustrated in last period and would rather not pay attention, yes.

anyway,

i might be getting two free sets of nintendo 64 tomorrow! or one for tomorrow and the other for later. i can't wait because i've missed playing mario kart!!!!!!!!!

also, my mind is contemplating a lot today.

i've been listening to Tool a lot lately. wow, oh the time of the year that the sounds of Tool come back to my ear. It's weird, as this one guy that i've been talking with on myspace says, how re-fueling it is when coming back to floyd and tool every couple of months. and i've noticed how a lot of the kids that ive befriended and are a couple years younger than me have become just as inpsired by tool and floyd as i was then. i remember the age of when i first started highschool, i was in that mode of breathing in and out the classic era; just being able to suck in with philisophy talk, and the seemingly cool look by dragging your pants and baggy sweatshirt with the long hair touching your eyes was defintely the thing for me. this was before i was introduced to many other things that i now love. i remember those days where i'd be kicking back on the computer, trying to impress my dad with my repeated soundtrack of zeppelin or hendrix. but after a few years went by, i moved on and experienced other genres of music and other things that were a reflection from the music that influenced me, not that im lowering the classical geniuses here but i just transcended into other worlds for awhile, and here i am today, re-fueling myself, realizing how much life Tool brings. I defintely want to go see them on april 14th. Defintely a must.

Also, Buckethead looks a lot like my dad when he plays guitar. The thing is, i guess the many fans who love him think he's almighty because they couldn't play such, same with those, like me, find it amazing when watching poiers poi away and to them it's nothing- but my dad was checking him out the first time with me and he was just sort of puzzled over how there were so many people cheering buckethead on, over what seemed to have been simple because it's what he used to do as well, but also would perform live with his hands kicking the guitar's ass on his back, yeah oh yeah. Ha. so yeah my dad can outdo Buckethead bitches. All he needs is a rediculous KFC hat over his head i suppose. Anyway, Buckethead is cool, though. No one reads this. Babbling. .

i'd love to be able to go to an unknown or rather [known] secret island of all like-minded individuals who wander in unity together.

run away and live there. live in a village, sharing a cradle between earth's ground and our sun chapped lips.


i had an amazing weekend. beautiful minds were all intertwined.

im not as flushed, or exhausted right now.

i could keep doing what i was doing on the bus. i started reading some of h.g. wells, "the time machine", and I could keep typing something when i feel this urge of wanting to record something that was quite significant to my inner most, even if i had a friend over as guest. move, is all i would say. can't stop the progress, i'll step on these bionicle pieces that elijah likes to throw around as long as i get to that chair that keeps me thinking.

i like these days where i can come home and feel energized enough to incite what it was that had me inspired and curious from earlier today.
although, i do not remember and never do i remember everything on what i wanted to keep in mind from today in english. ms. williams defintely has a good incite on things. she's very insightful amongst us all, but sometimes she isn't as insightful as i am on some topics during class, but she manages to encourage me enough where i can understand exactly what it was that i once pondered about.

key note, my period came back this afternoon. or (!) i went to the bathroom after school had let out and knew i had something flourishing from my uterus. either that or extreme secretion again! i was beginning to wonder. i caught it on time and from preparation this morning, just in case, i brought myself a nice pearl tampon. oh, the wonders of what worry can bring out of foolish behaviour.
i hate how i always get carried away about the most irrelevant stuff, so it seems, to what my above topic had encountered with, but quite significant nonetheless, otherwise i wouldn't have bothered bringing it up. you see? i shouldn't... give in as much attention or expression through something that may seem bosh to others but really, it's so easy to get carried away with topics, such as your period coming back, because there's more involved experience on that with me (of course) than feeling energized after such a day on days like these; it'd be nice to come home feeling like this every day. and i am able to use more word usage through a small example as such because i've accomplished the fact that i am capable of just talking about what basically interests me. now that doesn't mean period blood is enjoyable to the mind, persay. but the whole essence of it coming back is relieving. not relieving! but relieving. now i can feel like a little girl again.

gosh, now i feel like i've exaggerated pointlessly about my period coming back. oh, the lack of consistency that i have when trying to sound nifty.

i hadn't much to say after lunch since i had a great conversation yet again with miri. i love sitting and talking with miri. i love how i know she knows what im trying to say, even if she doesn't have the entire package of response. i love it when people give emotion to a question, like, " what girl?! for reall?" rather than, "oh heh yeah?" well, i have no room to talk about the last quotation. but it's kind of the same way as to why i get upset with my dad when i'm trying to tell him about a story of someone not getting along with me, or something to that effect. i don't always need his lecture or advice after i finish my critism, but i need more of an expressive response (naive-like; closely to the way a very gullable person would react with their mouth half opened and their eyes gleaming somewhat after you finish an exclamation point), where i can feel that i know that they not necessairly understand but care about what im trying to stress. it's just more appreciating for me when i finish talking with miri. hmm, i know an aries when i talk to one. ha.
i walk in denial, as if i never see mr. sutton in the hallway. he doesn't know me yet. i need to approach him sometime next week about my class schedule. i'm so lazy. that isn't good.

anyway, im running out of smoothness. supposedly shaun is coming over later. my plan is to hang with her and whomever it is that encircles themselves with her... can't wait. i thought i was off for com. service saturday, but i'm not.
i was stuck on how to mention that the other day, and so far i chose to ignore informing my dad and thinking of calling george in on saturday morning, regardless of where i am, to let him know i wont be coming in, since my dad originally thinks i do not have com. service because i thought i didn't have it in the first place. oh, the fucking a - how decietful can i get? i hate lying really in the first place. no matter how small. karma flucuates. i can't smooth it out when walking off. i know terribly well on what is and could be. but, i need my weekend to be 'fun'- at least tonight? i just don't think me being across the street with a party going in someone's house that i haven't even introduced my dad to yet, seems very comforting in the head of mine, knowing i'm like ... what? 200 feet away from my dad? ha. weird.

i'm chillin in a dark purple tank top right now, and i'd like to move on -

i ran a feverish-cold today.

(so, i've become so used to not waking up on my own and it has become harder for me every morning; all i want to do is sleep on and on, til it's no longer early, since i can't ever go to bed at a decent hour. i remember my mom being like this. i just need to learn how regulate myself.)

i ate some breakfast this morning and started cramping real bad a little after. i couldn't bear it by the time i started walking off, but mr. robinson treated me fairly nice and let me hog three chocolates of his, after picking on me from the way i came in.
mr. robinson turned on the tv to ABC because i told him about izzi and her apparel class being on Good Morning America since they're in New York. I saw her teacher and some other girls, but didn't see Izzi, Melanie or even Izzi's mom.

i soon started getting clammy in my hands during 2nd period. i couldn't bear that also. i went to the bathroom, did my business, i felt like i was going to disperse at both ends! aching and rapid heart beats. i spent my shivering body in lunch talking with miri. i let her use my lunch number to get lunch, since i get free lunch. woo for her. we talked about good stuff.

this feverish-cold of mine is making me feel somewhat paranoid. i felt like that especially during 3rd period, but did fairly well in participation compared to other days. same with 4th. ms. cavanaugh is really not a good teacher. i thought at one point my period came back so i stormed to the bathroom. false alarm; it was just extreme secretion.

i think i should start on my essay.

i stayed in bed, from school this morning

The maintence came and replaced our old showerheads with new ones this morning, as well.
Clean showerhead but no stronger than the original one.
Last night, dad and i did a lot of cleaning in our bathrooms and all over the apartment. It is so nice. We also ate tuna sandwiches. My dad knows how to make real good tuna, by mixing all natural flavours to take away the fish taste. My bathroom is spic and span. Now i want someone to come over and use my bathroom.

I've been burning incense in the living room since last night. I've become a new me. I've realized something whole, as it relates to all of our elements in life. And as i sat outside, on the porch again, i heated up my refrigerated coffee of butterscotch from yesterday, and felt accompanied by the sun and Tiggy's shining fur.
My probation officer says i'm a little too young to be drinking coffee. Her statement may seem quite precise knowing i can easily blend in with 14 year old high school girls, but what-ever. She's funny though, funny like my english teacher. But to be thorough on this in her critism on me drinking coffee is that i really shouldn't be drinking it because i know how it treats me as far as anxiety being a problem. Sort of the same reason why this one girl, that ive recently fell in love with through her writing, talks about why drinking alcohol really isn't all that cut out to be (and i couldn't disagree - even if at times, it can bring your loose thoughts into words, but that's the same with any other thing that u may put to use and in result have some kind of "internal peaking") because of how its way of being a depressant is in the first place, and so on.

Anyhow, i've learned a lot over the weekend from my dad.
his understanding on things amazes me, not because i didn't think he had this knowledge or wisdom in the first place, but because of how much he's experienced through his life and how much it took him to come to this point of actually pulling all the puzzle pieces together to form such a speech as to what he gave on saturday night as i dozed off in fetal position on the couch. but when he was my age, he did think a lot as to what he thinks of as today as well. and i think i've took on with that privlege as well. and all i've got to say is that i'm ready to express what i learned out of pure logic.
a few tags may keep me reminded hopefully, and sorry if this may seem weird to you, or as if i may be plagiarising rather than being myself as i start to type some words but this is for myself as a reminder; alien, spaceship, logic, future, evolution, human beings, realization, history, babylon, hundreds of years, america [we being a "new age of babylon"], auto industry ruining our world, dying o-zone!!!, symbolism from religions equating with todays metahporic expressions through 'good and evil', logic, 2012; oscar wilde, the mayan's, meteor, indigo children and adults/ april children, 90's, "the ending of the world" - rather not even type that. streak of unsureness here. if anyone comes across this and can share with me about the whole theory and concept about what could possibly happen from now rather than being totally bias about it and saying how it's jsut a silly propaganda then please incite me with something enlightening, here. i've had enough ignorant paranoia as a young teenager. ha, but i'm also dying to dig my feet in earths ground even more, so give give more more information.

anyway, while i sat outside for a bit, i read over what i've been reading in this book for awhile now...yeahhh. last year, when i had spent my night with Cole, i ended up helping him and his family put up with their garage sale from when they had moved out. and cole's mother had a lot of incredible philisophical books based on our inner being throughout life. anyway, i grabbed a few in appreciation. there's this one that i admire over, called "working with your chakras" by ruth white. i've been exploring a lot, especially whenever i read over some paragraphs on each subject based upon our chakra system coming from ancient indian culture. and the dvinity of it all really makes pure logic sense if you just relate the reading and advice that it gives to how your lifestyle is as of now. once, i tried meditating in the bathroom stall at school when i had skip a lot, and i remember at one point i actually reached that climax of being in another dimension as i kept my eyes shut. it was amazing and 'scary', coz i had never experienced what i felt when my head was i was elsewhere and i couldn't feel my head being where it normally would be!!~! i was very lightweight from atop.

quoting, "Earth is dense physical matter. It is the 'plane' of which we are most conscious. it is the substance which we use and adapt to ensure our nourishment, shelter and many other aspects of physical comfort.
Some spiritual teaching implies that we should despise matter and seek only spirtual perfection. Death is seen as a 'release' and any subsesquent existence as particularly joyful because of the freedom from bodily and material chains. YET all around us there is evidence that earth is beautiful and wondrous, a living and continuous example of the miracle of creation. Our bodies are no less wondrous in their functioning. When we stop despising matter and putting it in negative polarity to the spiritual, then we truly bbeing to live a balanced life and encompass the possibility of joy. When we have a healthy respect for earth we live in greater harmony not only with our bodies but with the nature of earth itself.
it may be true that we can become trapped by matter in a differen't sense, if it is seen as the only reality. Confusion about the defintion of reality, and confinement of it to that which is solid and tangible (hmm touchy), can lead us indeed into illusion. Knowledge of differen't levels and manifestations of reality is essential to a truly spiritual imaginary, illusory or ethereal and that which is real serves no useful prupose. Every level has its own reality.
The things of earth have long been things of great inspiration. Poets, artists, mystics and musicians have revelled not only in its beauties but in its incongruities and its sometimes ugly or comic juxtapositions. Great acts of sacrifice have been brought about by human compassion for those who are sick in body, lack shelter or are materially underprivleged. The energy-giving presence of an eternal sense of wonder is fed by the beauty of a flower, the curve of a contour, the rhythms of day and night, sun and moon, time and tide.
Many of our ancestors and some of the so-called pagan religions have been concerned with the privilege of life, with understanding earth, its rhythms and promise of abundance and manifestation. In our times the message is slowly coming through that our planet is being threatened, poisoned and polluted by our lack of respect for it. If the earth dies humankind dies with it.
One of the beneficial effects of such shocking knowlege may be to bring back a realization of the wonder of creation, the miracle of the life force, the sacredness of earth and the spirit resident in matter. Contact with and understanding of the root chakra brings the awareness that extension of consciousness is not only about moving upward and out of the body and matter. It is also about knowing and working with the wonder dimensions of the material world in which we live. Spiritual living is about being effective and congruent in the world as we know it, as well as about exploring other dimensions. To be too grounded can diminish horizons; to be too ethereal makes a nonsense of the personal and collective purposes of incarnation."

oh, i did all of this typing and forgot about my most inner emotions within the family;
i talked to my mom the other night for the first time in two months.
happy belated xmas and new years she says. my grandma called first to inform me that grandma Weaver is Dying, and did died and was brought back ten minutes after. her heart is suffocating. i feel horrible as a grand daughter. all she ever did was send me cards and letters, or a few bucks, or something cute, like that one stuffed kitty that she got at the dollar general; i hugged onto that thing every night. so, fuck your corporate holidays. the last card she sent stands on my shitty ibm computer, but i love the card. i barely could read her writing over the years. she had grown old but she always felt younger than a 20 year old as she would always tell me. all she wanted for me to do was to write back. or to call at least. she was quite a character, and she made the best damn cabbage ever. my mom sat on the phone and cried (because that's what we do in expression, whether we know someone or not - it's this wireless connection we have with everyone regardless of what and who it is, it makes us find tune to the world and one happening helps us release what we are afraid of) and told her i might be coming down soon while she looks for a dress for the funeral. but i wouldn't be suprised if i missed grandma's funeral since i dont have easy transportation in seeing my family. i've missed a lot over the years. i mean, my mom doesn't even drive out of winston-salem. Anyway, i remember as a little girl, she'd numb my ears constantly talking. she has some stories, i know this. but i was nothing more but on auto-pilot at some points. well, mom has it good when she turns something depressing into laugher. she had to go and laugh about how grandma weaver is still upset at us from when she fell down the porch stairs during my visit this summer.

oh and today's my grandpa's birthday. whew

god damn this coffee.
i'm feelin wack already

i'm having one of those days where i feel like everything is honestly not going to work out because of how im truly handling it.
i'm not getting anywhere, and truth be told...-it's ashame i can't even handle last period like everyone else. my head just does not click with algebra. and seeing mr. sutton will not change this matter for me because i already know how i feel about all of this, and i'm not getting anywhere especially when i know i can't work through it. if you fail either english or math you do not proceed to the next grade.

i'm helluva tired of not proceeding. but i'm not tired enough to make a huge difference in what i don't know. really, the environment in that classroom doesn't suit. i feel like an idiot where ever i try to go during school. if i honestly do not pass this class, then dropping out would be best. ugh not very wise. typing that was sort of silly and getting a GED wouldn't work because if i can't do certain things in this school, what makes you think i'll find even more confidence in doing it on my own through CPCC or anything of that sort?

i have a lot to do this evening. i have to meet my probation officer and do some com. service this evening. puffs:: fuck with all motivation. everything, including myself, is belittling [me.] i kept falling asleep during last, everything was hazy and i finally passed out for like, 5 minutes. made a difference. awoke with blood hammering my head. i think my period is coming back soon. i've been bloated and am not as hungry as i have been for the past week. also, my breasts are sore. i'm defintely ready for my period. i just feel weak and tired. lost, sure.

i'd rather have a legit excuse in not going to school anymore and feel precisely okay with it through my daily life..like, it'd be cool if i found out i was diagnosed with some horrfying disease that cannot be cured. if i were pregnant, that wouldn't count..there are options between that and having to care for another ontop. so..the disease part is what i im leaning towards too.

oh, the humour.

She shall be my true kindred spirit.

the last time i saw gin, we saw elliot's mom, brooke. she really wants to help her out with baby riley. i just really hope gin accepts this huge offer because it can really lift her into a better position.

wow, elliot's mother is so down to earth and i have never bonded that much with someone til this afternoon, ever! She's real fuckin' cool man. She's like your new modern hippie mom. Doesn't smoke pot or anything (which does not mean that substitutes her from the open mindness of a true hippie) but defintely the way she thinks is very good for anyone to have as a mom. The first suprising line that came out of her was how she believes that all 14 yr olds should take ecstasy for the first time, where they can fluctuate and connect with everyone, as one. and how ecstasy isn't a sex drug persay. it is simply a love drug, a way to spread yourself to others through the mind. it's amazing how you'll know some people who have changed a lot from experiencing differen't perceptions out of new experiences. and it was funny as hell when she was like, WAIT what sign are you? and i'm like, aries. NO WAY ::slaps hand:: whether it sounds superstitious and silly to you or not, it sure as hell was something.


today was a weird start off. i had an incredibly weird dream. David Bowie was in it. i was running around a small playground, and david bowie was his age as today but had his hair styled the same way as it was in the movie, labrynth. he was sort of chasing me around - i kept running in areas where he couldn't catch me. we were nothing more but silent, too. it was weird but beautiful. all i think i heard was shuffling from the dead leaves below our shoes. i've noticed how every mare or dream of mine, i'm always running from something. and never getting caught and i soon awake. anyway, before david bowie - i was in a house, or moreso like a building of a school - and spending the night there with random fucking people that also attended this area a lot. we all were going over what we knew out of classics, and the teacher would ask me in advance if i liked this or that...- also questioned if ive ever seen The Wall and The Yellow Submarine. and im like OF COURSE!... thats when the dream got hazy. i wandered off and ended up walking down a rural road from forgetting/losing something at this stranger's house. Some fat hispanic guy returned it, with a big acqauinted smile. i called him Cheech. He reminded me of Brady's mexican friend that i met the other day. ANYWAY, as i recall -- What if this fucking dream was an envision of what went on TODAY? "Do you like this? i am such a music person - what about this? ever listen to this? Or this? Or that? What about gary jules? rolling stones? tears for fears? the pixies? ledz eppelin?", Elliot's mom went on and apparently my answers were exciting. Anyway, the dream i had might've been a premonition of what i experienced today. you never knowww. The teacher from my dream could've been elliot's mom. The walking off onto the rural road could've been a reflection on what ive already lost and david bowie could've been a pit on what elliot and i discussed about the new movie called Pan's Labrynth from earlier. Hmm Pan. "Pan" .. Name? Well defintely a meaning. Meaning "All" - Pan-sexual? pan.. hmm. Peter Pan.(intelligent author who wrote peter pan).. mind... all... unity...one...pan..sexual..normal thing subconsciously..because little do people realize... our mind speaks the most and we all hide it by what we've been informed, advertized, and taught traditionally and haven't been taught (blissful ignorance takes place), through generation. so instantly, people are are going to get bias -ignorantly and naively - and think how "WRONG" it is for one to like another that appears "to be" of the same "sex" (and who cares if so? it's all about how love and companionship is. i mean hell, i've seen true love out of a hobo and his dog more than a married couple.. it's really no differen't than two humans being together regardless of there differen't or same aesthetics as one) because they've never had to fully understand its truesome of background on how we all could really be if we hadn't so been booked up in make-up.



Before coming home, i switched the channel to fosters home for imaginery friends. FUCKING WOW... it's amazing how a lot of cartoonist display a lot of SUBLIMINIAL messages in cartoons. The 1st episode was playing and there was this one part where Mac's older brother, Terrence, was bullying Mac and Bloo, and he ended up creating his imaginery bully as a red square-like box. So automatically i thought - block - blockhead! Big red block! And if anyone would know what blockhead meant, they'd understand what i'm trying to explain here. Blockhead referring to as dense, dolty and stupid, often in a person. And if you think even more on how Terrence was acting, he was acting quite dolty and stupid, and with that in mind - he then created an imaginery bully to respond meanly to others on his behalf. The big red block was exactly just like Terrence, and near the ending somehow the big red block becomes Terrence's worst enemy, and you know what they say? You are your worst enemy! MAN what a trip that was.

ANYWAY - I WENT TO TOYS R US TONIGHT - fucking amazing, too. Ha. I hadn't been that gleeful in awhile, and yes it's been awhile since i've been into a TOYS R US store. I wanted so many thingssss. i was actually happy! and wanted to jump like a little kid.

hm. really want this thomas the train set table as a coffee table one of these days! defintely want a lot of these kick ass board games. candy land. saw this real cool doodle game of cranium. cat in the hat games!! so fucking trippy. I WANT. saw some neat puzzles that i want. a real cool set of k'nex building pieces! saw this glow in the dark pterodactyl puzzle that izzi would like. so cute and only 4 bucks, or so. and saw some real cute baby clothes, that made me think of gin.. and even me. SO TODAY WaS one of those days where i got away from school and enjoyed my existence else where. it was all appreciated.

Hm i should get a job there one of these days.

anyway, that was a lot.

NEXT WEEKEND, i won't be attending Com. service at all! remodeling at the place, so im off and free!